Therapy with Men
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Not in his goals but in his transitions is man great.”
The Tough Guy Syndrome
Our training as men has been hazardous to our health.
Globally, men are often conditioned to embody strength and stoicism. We're taught to suppress emotions and discomfort, bravely shielding our families and tackling life's challenges head-on. Typically, for a man to display emotions like tears, fear, or uncertainty (unless it's happiness) is viewed as a sign of vulnerability and weakness. This portrayal is often reinforced by action heroes who effortlessly crack jokes while dodging bullets and defeating villains.
However, the issue arises when we realize that we can't selectively suppress emotions. Trying to hide one feeling necessitates hiding them all. So, while characters like James Bond may epitomize the ideal man, they struggle to form deep connections, experience love, joy, and intimacy. The "perfect man" might excel in leadership and business, but his relationships with his family suffer.
This dynamic was less problematic in previous generations, like that of my grandfather during wartime. Back then, men were focused on survival and freedom, with intimacy taking a backseat.
But how does this conditioning impact our health? Decades of research reveal that suppressed emotions, lack of social support, marital discord, shame, and anxiety contribute to depression, anger, dissatisfaction, addiction, and illness. These factors collectively reduce our ability to manage stress effectively, leading to illness and premature death. Scientists now ponder whether men's shorter lifespans are due to genetic predispositions or our struggle to process emotions and find support effectively.
The Nice Guy Syndrome
In our cultural narrative, the "Tough Guy" takes center stage. Yet, for every "bad boy" archetype, there's another kind of man: the Nice Guy.
The Nice Guy is the one women love having as a friend but hesitate to pursue romantically. He's sensitive, kind-hearted, and always tuned into others' feelings, often taking a back seat in his own assertiveness. Though he may understand what others desire, he struggles to define his own wants and needs. Beneath his exterior lies a sense of inadequacy, feeling he falls short compared to the football jock, yet he craves the same attention and respect from women. His strategy? To cater to everything he believes a woman desires, hoping it will win her affection. Unfortunately, this approach rarely leads to success. Just like in high school, he often finds himself overlooked by the women he desires.
As the Nice Guy faces rejection and feels his own potency diminished, resentment brews beneath the surface. However, expressing anger goes against his "nice guy" persona. Instead, he internalizes his frustration, manifesting it in passive-aggressive behavior, addiction, or worse.
While Nice Guys may indeed find themselves married, their relationships often fall into a pattern where the woman takes on the role of decision-maker for the family. She becomes the "bad cop" in parenting, managing finances, and running the household. Resentment simmers on both sides, leading to tension and strain. The sex life suffers, and the Nice Guy feels rejected and resentful, yet unable to articulate his emotions. This internal turmoil can fuel addictive behaviors like porn addiction, exacerbating the cycle of dysfunction, potentially leading to break-ups and divorce.
A New Generation of Men
American men in are faced with this complicating, seemingly impossible, paradox.
The archetype of John Wayne, once the epitome of cultural masculinity, has shifted in today's society. The expectation to embody a tough, stoic persona has waned, yet simply being a "nice guy" doesn't quite cut it either. A recent episode of "The Bachelor" exemplifies this shift.
“The Bachelor" is still expected to possess the physical attributes of a Greek God – towering at 6'4" with a square jaw and chiseled physique. However, there's an added layer: he's also expected to openly express emotions, shed tears at the sight of a newborn, and vulnerably share his innermost struggles.
Men today face a delicate balancing act, navigating a societal double standard that demands both vulnerability and protection, "dangerous" yet safe, tough yet tender. This conflicting expectation often leaves men grappling with deep-seated insecurities, anxiety, and shame as they strive to find their place in the evolving landscape of masculinity.
What do we do?
As a therapist who frequently works with men both individually and in various group settings, I encounter an equal distribution between those who fit the Tough Guy mold and those who align more with the Nice Guy persona. This balance underscores the importance of addressing issues like addiction, anger, passive-aggressive behavior, anxiety, depression, and relationship challenges.
However, addressing these issues goes beyond surface-level fixes like quitting drinking or curbing porn consumption. It requires delving deeper into the complexities of masculinity and the societal expectations placed upon men.
I firmly believe that the key to navigating the double standard imposed upon men lies in discovering our inner strength – a strength that emerges from genuine emotional connection with ourselves and others. When we operate from a place of authenticity, rather than conforming to societal norms, we unlock the true sources of Power, Strength, and Peace within ourselves. This is some of the most powerful and rewarding work I do.